


Finding the Way Back

by AmandaRex



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Episode: s03e05 4722 Hours, F/M, FitzSimmons - Freeform, Fix-It, Friendship/Love, I NEEDED THAT, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-29
Updated: 2015-10-29
Packaged: 2018-04-28 18:59:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5102036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmandaRex/pseuds/AmandaRex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jemma didn't know why it would surprise her that Fitz would help her with anything, even if the cost to himself was more than she wanted to ask of him. This is the journey after 4722 Hours.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finding the Way Back

Jemma looked down at her hand and watched it curl into a fist, her fingers restlessly shifting against each other. It was something she'd done while she was stuck on the planet, usually to serve as a distraction when she was trying to keep herself from burning more of the battery on her phone. When things got overwhelming, it helped to focus her thoughts as much as she could on something simple and controllable. At this point, 'overwhelming' would be quite the understatement.

She looked up again, her eyes immediately lighting on the curve of Fitz's back as he leaned toward the screen in front of him. His shirt strained against his shoulders, more muscled now than they'd been before she was pulled through the portal. His hands moved quickly to open and close documents as he scanned through his data, showing no signs of the tremors he'd experienced last year. He must have worked very hard on his rehabilitation while she was gone. 

Her breaths shortened as her eyes blinked against the suddenly too-harsh lights overhead. They'd been a universe apart from each other before he'd rescued her, but she'd never felt as far away from him as she did right now. She knew they could work well together, but he seemed to make progress on the things that were personal to him while she was away, not while she was with him to hold him back.

Worse than holding him back, she seemed destined to cause him pain. Behind the facts and theories that he was dedicating his considerable intellect to helping her untangle there was a cost. Jemma knew a little of what Fitz had done in his pursuit of re-opening the portal after Bobbi had dropped some information in that oh-so-casual way she had of telling you what you needed to know. She couldn't believe the risks he'd taken, panic rising in her throat when she allowed herself to think about the danger he'd put himself in to find her again. It was difficult to think about everything he'd done for her only to continue to hurt himself by helping her now, but she understood when she remembered the icy blue depths of his eyes when they'd still been fully open to her, when he'd let her see his love and hope that they could finally be together. 

She'd been so afraid to tell him the full truth, that he wouldn't understand how hopeless she'd been, how sure she'd been that she would never make it back. What she'd felt for Will had been real, borne of shared misery and the trust forged in their struggle to survive, and she knew that Fitz could hear that in the story she'd told him and read it in her eyes. It killed her to know how much this was hurting him, especially as the love she felt for Fitz was as strong as it had ever been. There was a reason that she'd burnt so much of the phone's battery looking at his face and listening to his voice when the device was more useful as a tool to help her get home. What she'd come to feel for Will meant that she couldn't abandon him to that blue hellscape he was trapped in, but the strength of her love for Fitz made it almost impossible to watch his unquestioning sacrifice as they worked together in the lab.

She could run again, telling herself she was doing it for Fitz because everything about her presence seemed to make his life worse. Last year's Jemma might have done just that, but abandoning him, even for his own good, seemed to hurt him most of all. She had to do something, had to find a way to make things better.

She made herself move, her limbs feeling as heavy as they had when she'd fought through the storm to follow his voice and help him pull her home. It was the first time she'd been close enough to him to touch him in days and she wasn't sure what to do. She decided to lay her hand on his shoulder, but hesitated when she realized he was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn't know she'd closed the distance they'd put between themselves in the lab.

He began to speak, his voice airy and distracted the way it always was when his thoughts were still coming together. The force of a thousand remembered conversations where he'd sounded exactly like this washed over her, each of them full of sentences begun by one of them and effortlessly finished by the other. She looked at him and saw everything he was to her, everything he had ever been to her. She loved him. Deeply, crazily, fondly, and beyond the reaches of reason or sense. She struggled with the urge to say it, to spill the words into the air and deal with the consequences later, but she wasn't sure if it would help or make things worse. 

"I've been stuck on the loss of mass, the difference in the fragments we were able to salvage and the original structure of the stone. It's, well, there's no other way to put it. It's catastrophic. I think it's possible we could work around that, though it may affect our ability to control when, where, and how long the portal opens on the other side. The real puzzle, though…" 

He paused, not looking at her, but she knew that some part of him was waiting to see if there was anything left of what they used to be together, if she would jump in and finish his thought. When she didn't, though she knew exactly what he was about to say, the set of his mouth hardened for a moment before he pressed on. 

"Well, the puzzle is in how to create the polymer to bond all those particles back together. It'll have to be chemically similar to the original structure, but even the scans we were able to take before when it was whole were inconclusive to some degree. We can't afford to get it wrong, as there might not be enough left to...Simmons?"

His eyes found her, full of the light of his brilliant mind but devoid of the look he'd worn so openly over a table in that empty restaurant. 

"Fitz, stop."

"Do you need a break? I can keep working, you go ahead. Get some rest." He looked away, his hands suddenly seeming less sure as he turned back to his work.

"Leo."

He stiffened at even the minor intimacy of her using his first name. "You don't have to do this, Jemma. Whatever it is you're about to say, it isn't necessary. I'm in this with you 'til it's done. You don't have to worry that my heart isn't in it. We'll do this, we can make it happen."

"I know we can. I'm not questioning that."

"What's the problem, then? I need you to focus, all right? I can't synthesize this polymer without your help."

"You know how important this had to be for me to tell you about my time on the planet, don't you? How I can't sleep knowing that someone who helped me so much is still there while I made it home?"

He reacted to that, his body tensing for just a moment before he seemed to push the feeling aside.

"You think I don't know how important this is? I know you can't leave this undone, and that means I can't either." He studied her for a minute, searching her face with the same intensity he'd shown while poring over their data from their study of what was left of the stone. "Why are we talking about this? It's a distraction. It doesn't get us the answer you need."

He was telling the truth, every word. It sliced through her, this certainty that he wasn't faking his dedication to something that hurt him more and more the closer they got to solving it. He was Fitz, and of course he was determined to help her through this every step of the way.

"I'm not just looking for one answer. I wish it was that simple, but it's not. Saving him is so important that I realized what it was going to cost you, what it would cost me, and I still had to do it."

"Simmons. Stop." His voice was hard, but she could see the first crack in this selfless, task-driven exterior he'd put on the moment he'd walked away from her story and into the lab. 

"I can't." She took a deep breath, decision made. She had information he needed and it was wrong for her to withhold it. "I have to say this to you, and it's more important than anything we're working on."

"We have to finish this." The stubborn set of his jaw was so familiar that she longed to trace it with her fingers.

"Rescuing Will is so important that I had to hurt you. Even though I'm in love with you."

"Don't." He pulled away from her, looking more angry now than anything else.

"I'm in love with you, Leo. You were what kept me going. It took me being that far from you to really understand how much I love you."

"But things have changed. I can't imagine how hard it was to try to survive. I'm so…" his voice began to falter and she took the chance of covering his hand on the table with hers. "I'm so grateful that you didn't have to go through it alone. I can't blame him for falling for you, of course, and I don't blame you for letting him make you happy. That's all I want, for you to be happy. So help me make it happen."

"You make me happy, Leo. My feelings for you didn't go away. I still love you, I always did. I always have, somehow, even when I didn't know it."

"It's not that simple. You moved on. You had to. As much as I wish it wasn't true, it sounds like he might actually deserve you. He helped you stay safe there. You said you wouldn't have survived if not for him."

"It's all true. I did have real feelings for him." She cringed, watching him as the words landed on him with an almost physical weight. "But I never stopped loving you. I just lost hope that I'd ever see you again and the only way to keep going was to try to move on."

"I've been in this lab twelve hours a day right next to you trying to find the answer. Do you really think I could be here if I didn't understand that you had to move on?" His voice had an edge to it that she hadn't heard since the days before she took the assignment putting her undercover in Hydra, the hardness and pain there making her almost regret beginning this conversation.

"I think it's too easy for you to tell yourself that I never really returned your feelings, and that's why I could develop feelings for someone else. I'm trying to tell you how hopeless I had to be before I even tried to set aside how much I wanted to come back to you and tell you how much I wanted to be with you. How hard that was and how much I didn't want to accept it."

"But that's just it. You moved on, and I'm trying to tell you that I understand. We'll get him home and you can be together again."

"If he was standing here right now, I'd still be in love with you."

"You can't know that! How could you possibly know that?" Fitz was yelling now and Jemma looked nervously around, not wanting to explain this conversation to anyone else.

"I'm not trying to save him because I want to spend my life with him. I need to know if he's still alive, and if he is, I want him to make it home. But a few months in hell together can't replace the years we've spent at each other's side, or the times you've risked your life to save mine."

"So are you saying this out of guilt? Because of the chances I took to get you home? Because I know Bobbi told you some things and you don't have to—"

"I'm saying this because I can't watch you do this for me and not tell you what I was afraid to say before." She watched him carefully and knew he still couldn't let himself believe her. "I know it will take more than this for you to trust what I'm saying, but it's true. There was nothing I regretted more when I thought I'd never see you again than knowing I'd never told you how I feel."

He was quiet for a long time, a breathless moment stretched too thin and brittle as she tried to give him room to think.

"You've been through so much, Jemma. I can't let you do this until you've had more time and until you know Will is safe. Once he's here, you'll see...time moves forward, and both of us along with it." He looked up and smiled a sad, tired smile. "Maybe it just wasn't supposed to be."

"Help me get him back so I can show you. I found a way to have a little hope, a little happiness, when I thought it was the only thing left. But I love you. Once he's here, I'll still love you." Fitz didn't look convinced, but this wouldn't be the first time she'd told him something that he required more evidence to believe. She tried not to smile at the familiarity of it, this feeling of confidence and determination to prove she was right against Fitz's stubborn opposition. "That means we have to solve this first. Let's get working on that polymer."

He moved aside and made room for her next to him. She fell back into her place, the two of them standing shoulder to shoulder as they worked in tandem. 

***

It wasn't long before they found the rhythm they'd spent years perfecting, finishing each other's thoughts and making progress neither of them could have made on their own. Days stretched into weeks, but their findings were definitely leading them to the answer. They could both feel it.

Somewhere in the middle of those days, Simmons found herself stuck on a part of the puzzle she'd taken on, but Fitz had definite momentum toward finding the answer to the problem he was trying to solve. She was about to offer to bring back some food so he could keep working as she was stuck and he wasn't, but he spoke before she could.

"We're getting close." His voice was calm and even, so quiet she could barely hear him.

"I agree, what you're doing now in particular. I was about to ask if you were hungry—"

"Could you listen to something I've been thinking over?"

She frowned a little, wondering why he would ask her so formally to be his sounding board when they'd been working so well for the first time in what felt like forever.

"Of course. You know we both work more efficiently when we can think out loud and share ideas."

"No, it's not that." He pushed back from the table and looked thoughtful, hesitant. "I think we should talk about...after."

"After? After what? Are you—" 

He stopped her with a raised hand, fidgeting with nervous energy in a way she would have sworn he'd grown out of while she'd been away.

"We're close. I know you know it. I can feel the answer's there and we're about to find it."

She smiled broadly at him, feeling a connection to him she'd worried so many times over the past couple of years she'd never have again. "Fitz, you know I've always said there isn't a problem we can't solve if we take it on together."

"I know we haven't always been the best at talking to each other, not about what really matters. I've been trying to find a way to let you know...whatever you have to say to me at the end of this, it's okay. We'll be okay."

Jemma blushed and looked at the floor, realizing that all of this seamless teamwork they'd managed of late was partially fueled by something else, this big unknown that loomed between them. It was something darker and sadder that could rip them apart or change everything between them forever, and not in the good way they'd both wanted before this mess.

"I'm sure any therapist worth their degree would tell me I'm all wrong, but these things never seem to go well for us, do they? These talks where we try to have it all out only to end up at the bottom of the ocean or one of us on another bloody planet." He managed an ironic smile at that, one that Jemma had no trouble returning, before he continued. "Your first law of thermodynamics has gone to some ridiculous lengths keep our energy and matter separate, I'll have you know." He took a moment, but then his smile faded.

She opened her mouth, wanting to reassure him but knowing it wouldn't help. He was convinced it was all theoretical until they got Will back and nothing would change his mind. She knew him well enough to understand that.

"So I've thought about it, and I have a plan. Once we open the portal again, I'll tell Coulson I need a few days away. We're burning so many hours for this and more on top of those for the work we do for him that it won't be hard to convince him. I could probably do with it, in any case."

"You...you're going to leave?"

"Just a few days. I'll come back."

"And what do you want me to—"

"Come with me." His eyes caught hers. "I'll let you know where I'll be. If you…" He stopped for a moment, taking a deep breath before he continued. "If you want to be with me, really be with me, come and find me. I still...I still love you, Jemma."

"Fitz, I—"

"Hang on, that's not all I'm trying to tell you." His next words came out in a rush, like he'd practiced them a few times before working up the courage to talk to her. "If you don't come, I'll know what it means. You've moved on. Now, you mean too much to me, so I want you to know it's okay if you don't come. I can accept it. I just need to know. And you shouldn't worry about me, I promise. I'll probably need some time to myself, but I'll come back. We'll adjust, just like we always have. Just...don't say anything now. We'll deal with it when the time comes."

He turned back to his work and she wondered what she should do. He was acting as though the matter was closed, but she had a feeling he could use a word from her, a little reassurance.

"You've made this very easy on me, certainly too easy on me really, but I won't refuse. If this is what you want—"

"It is."

She watched him and saw the subtle signs of his stiffly-held posture relaxing. He clearly needed this, and she didn't have it in her to insist on anything else.

He transferred a few files to a tablet and held it up. "I'm taking these to my room so I can concentrate. Be back in a few hours."

She waited for him to leave before she leaned heavily on the table where he'd just been working, giving herself a moment to collect herself before she got back to work.

***

In the end, they conquered every obstacle and found a way to re-open the portal, just as Jemma knew they would once they were truly working together again. Explaining the plan to Coulson once they had one had been an adventure of its own, but he agreed that if the man could rescued, it was their duty to try.

They needed to ask for Daisy and Mack's help again, which seemed like a tough sell after their experience with the stone the first time. Mack had looked offended at their hesitancy in asking him and made it clear that he had Fitz's back. Daisy had also agreed immediately, asking only if they were sure her powers could be used without endangering anyone.

With all of the knowledge of the planet Jemma had brought back with her and the fruits of their labors in the lab, they had calculated two windows during which they could force the portal open. They would trigger the first to send information through to a location close enough to Will's shelter that he'd be sure to find it, but it wouldn't be strong or large enough to risk bringing a person safely through. The instructions would send Will to another location where they could open a more stable portal, easier for Daisy to hold open long enough for him to pass through. 

There was a long and very loud argument between Fitz and Simmons to determine if anyone would go through the second portal from their side. Neither of them wanted the other to risk making the journey, possibly not to return. Daisy ended the disagreement by announcing she would stop the connection if either of them came within shouting distance of the reconstructed stone, a threat Jemma had to admit that neither of them could afford to argue against.

***

When they opened the second portal, Will stepped through almost immediately and swept Jemma into his arms. She let herself remember the way they'd been together after she'd given up all hope of getting home, making sure she understood exactly what both men meant to her. She closed her eyes, searching as deep within herself as she could reach to ask herself how she felt about Will. There was gratitude there, and an odd, indescribable intimacy that seemed like the inevitable byproduct of being in such a unique situation alone together. What there wasn't, was the deep, profound warmth of everything she felt for Fitz, a love that ran so deep within her that it hardly seemed separate from who she was.

"I'm really glad we were able to do this," she whispered into Will's ear. "You're in good hands here. They'll take care of you, help you figure out what to do next."

"Where are you going?" Will pulled back, studying Jemma's face. It took him a moment, but he finally said, "Fitz?"

"My favorite word," she whispered, relieved when Will released her from his arms with a gentle laugh.

"You found your way back to him?"

"Not quite. But I'm about to."

She looked around, noticing for the first time that Fitz had already slipped away, and she felt a moment of panic that he'd given up on her. Just as the doubt was really taking hold, Bobbi discreetly pressed a piece of paper into Jemma's hand, which she took one look at before running to her quarters to get the bag she'd already packed that morning. She wondered briefly how angry Coulson would be that she couldn't wait long enough to ask for leave before she borrowed a car and left, but she found she didn't really care.

***

The look of surprise on Fitz's face when he opened the door and found Jemma on the other side broke her heart just a little, but when she settled into his arms and let the utter rightness of it wash over her, she hoped he could feel it too.

"Don't you ever let me catch you doubting me like that again, Leopold Fitz, and I promise I'll try never to give you any reason to."

He nodded against her hair and she felt the tears begin to fall against her cheeks. She didn't know if they were hers, his, or both of theirs, but it didn't matter. They weren't tears of hopelessness, despair, fear, or frustration, they were tears that meant safety and love and _finally_. Anything else that came for them after this...well, they'd figure that out together.


End file.
